I am just about ready to get rid of my cat. We used to have three cats (no, we are not those crazy cat people), but in the last year and a half, two of our cats went to that great litter box in the sky. We are now left with the most beautiful, spoiled, dumb as dirt, white Himalayan ever created—Cooper. Did I mention he was spoiled?
Since the other cats travelled to the great litter box in the sky, we may have overindulged him with Temptations turkey flavored cat treats. He thinks of nothing else. Cooper cannot remember how to get upstairs although he has lived with us in this same house for more than 8 years. He has the unique ability to get lost in the dining room. But, for some reason he cannot forget the taste of Temptations turkey flavored cat treats.
Those treats must be so freaking delicious. He cries for them at 3 a.m. He howls for them at 5 a.m. And don’t you dare walk anywhere near the pantry where they are stored—Cooper will put on an Oscar worthy performance of starvation of the likes you have never seen. Whatever is in those Temptations turkey flavored cat treats must be the best tasting food ever created.
I am getting very close to trying one myself—just to see what all the fuss is about.
I think we need to enact a new law where kids need ID to buy Legos. If you are under the age of 12, sorry—NO SALE! And if you come to my son’s birthday party, I would rather you bring him nothing than Legos. If you give him a Lego set, you might as well give me a computer virus and a leaky roof too, because they are just as much fun for me.
I mean really, who thinks it is fun to dump out three bags with hundreds of tiny pieces and then read 45 pages of instructions to put together a castle or space station? You Lego makers make me sick. I saw your commercial the other day. The dad and the son were having a great time bonding and playing with the Lego set. So unreal. Bunch of liars! By the time my son and I finished, he was crying, and I was cussing and fighting with my wife and the cat was choking on the final piece we needed to make the whole thing work.
Legos, you disgust me! Lincoln Logs were always better than you!
Today I am officially changing the title of my upcoming book to Pushed to Death. I think the title, Baptized by Jim may give some people the wrong impression of what the book is about, and it had the possibility to be offensive (you don’t want to drive away potential customers).
Today, as I write, Benny James is in Florida where the majority of the book takes place. He is investigating the spot where the first victim was killed as she was pushed off the Sunshine Skyway Bridge. The Sunshine Skyway Bridge connects the cities of St. Petersburg and Terra Ceia. The research I have done gives me a pretty good idea of what it would be like to be on the bridge, and my imagination can fill in the rest. I can’t wait until the day I am successful enough to be able to drive and see these things with my own eyes—until then, thank goodness for the Internet.
I received the proof copy of the paperback version of The Big Stink City today and it is gorgeous. I hit the approve button and Amazon says it may take 48 hours for it to go through their system and be available.
I am in day 5 of recovery from my emergency appendectomy and it might be the best thing that ever happened for my writing career. Before now, I have been very particular about where I write and when. It got to the point where I could only write sitting at the kitchen table of the 70’s camper between the hours of 4 p.m. and midnight. Talk about a prima donna! Since I have been on bed rest, I have been a writing machine. I can write with people in and out of the room. I can write with noise. I can write even while my daughter talks to me non-stop for two hours (I was listening – I really was).
I guess we sometimes need weird wild things to break us of our habits and this was just what the doctor ordered!
I received the artwork for the paperback version of The Big Stinky City and it looks awesome. I submitted it on Friday and the proof has already been mailed and should arrive at my door on Monday or Tuesday. If it looks good in print, it will be for sale through Amazon as soon as I hit the “approve” button. I will order 50 or so myself if you would like a signed copy.
On another note—I am giving away the Kindle edition for free today (April 22). So, if you have a Kindle, get yourself a free copy today!
I am trying to think back and remember if I recently broke a mirror, or walked under a ladder, or did something else which is supposed to bring bad luck—because I have had my share in the past week! To sum it up real fast:
1 – Had to call a plumber for the first time in my life (no, I didn’t stop up the toilet).
2 –Had to call an electrician for the first time in my life (I have already detailed all that in a previous post).
3-Got a letter from the IRS saying we need to talk. They think my wife made about $75,000 dollars more than she did in 2010 (maybe that’s where she gets all those new purses).
4-And to top it all off, I had to have emergency surgery to remove my appendix.
This all happened in the span of 7 days! A couple of years worth of trouble all compiled into 7 crappy days.
I think the universe is trying to tell me something. Just what that may be, I’m not so sure yet.
Awhile back I was sitting on my front porch eating a sandwich and enjoying a quiet afternoon when I spotted a trail of ants, obviously out searching for food. Most of them were walking in a line, but I noticed one was straying from the group and wondered if he was trying to be some sort of hero—finding something that none of the others could. So, I thought I would reward his efforts and I tossed him a crumb from my bread. The ungrateful little schmuck walked right around my offering. Being incredibly insulted I smashed him and then wondered if the others would miss him or even notice he was gone.
I think the ants must have thought I kidnapped him or something because a few days later they were in my house. I soon decided the ants didn’t care about their lost comrade and were just searching for more food. I was no longer in the sharing mood and hurried to the home improvement store and purchased some spray that promised to keep my home free of insects, including ants, for six months. I bought it, sprayed it, and thought my battle was over. Unfortunately, I think somebody tricked me and switched the insect spray with sugar water, because in the following days we had more ants.
So, being the deep thinker and undercover inventor that I am, I decided to create my own home defense potion. I went to the grocery store and bought three family size bags of Doritos, pixie sticks (those sugar filled paper tubes that must have been invented by a company that sells diabetes medication), and some animal crackers. Once home, I poured it all into a five gallon bucket and smashed it all up into a fine powder. I sprinkled it around the exterior of my house and had enough to go around three times.
Now, when the ants make their evil plans to invade my home in search for food, they stop outside my house because of the delicious treat I concocted for them! No need to come inside. Amazing.
On to my next invention! Soundproof underwear.
All is well. Some idiot (me), while hanging something in the garage drilled through a wire which set off the whole crazy chain of events. But, I’m actually not an idiot, but an angel (this is the way I tried to explain it to my wife, anyway), as the lights flickering were a completely separate and unrelated issue that could have burned down our house if the electrician had not caught the problem.
So, through this wild experience I have learned that we have some really great friends and a family that will help us in times of need. God is good and protects my family. And—I’m an angel.
I was going to head over to the 70’s camper last night for a bit of writing and did not go. I almost never, ever pass on a quiet night of writing. I had worked around the house all day doing various projects and I was just worn out.
Thank goodness I didn’t go, because my wife would most probably have called me home in a panic. She and the kids were gone all day but were expected home late.
So, as I sat here and relaxed, I decided to have a glass of tea and when I opened the fridge I noticed the light was out. Since there are two light bulbs I immediately decided it could not be the bulbs and went to the breaker box. Sure enough the one for the kitchen was tripped. When I flipped it back on a burst of blue light shot out of the box and all of the electricity in the house went out. Of course it was already dark, and no, I didn’t know where the flashlight was, so I stumbled around the house bumping and banging my way around, knocking things over until I finally found our only flashlight with batteries (note to self: buy more flashlights and/or batteries).
I can do a lot of things and all modesty aside, I am quite handy. But when it comes to electricity I am a Fraidy cat. Long story short—I sat in the dark for about an hour and a half before I finally figured out how to get the power back on. By then my wife had diverted her trip home with the kids and dropped them off at the grandparents.
As we were trying to calm down and read in bed we kept hearing this loud noise and the lights were flickering on and off. I looked around a little more and decided I had no idea what was going on and tried to go to sleep wondering if at some point during the night I would have to fight a raging inferno or jump from my second story window to avoid a fiery death. I didn’t sleep so well! The alarm clock kept going off and resetting itself and things were beeping and I kept praying for God to protect my new flat screen TV.
Should be a fun day today. The coffee maker stopped halfway through brewing my coffee and that’s enough right there to make me jump out of the window—fire or no fire.
** Please forgive any errors as I am not going to take the time to reread this post as my computer may blow up in my lap at any moment. **
The Kindle version went "live" early this morning. I am hoping the paperback version will be available in the next couple of weeks. Thanks to everyone for passing the word and "liking" and "sharing" and "tweeting." It means more to me than I can say. I'm not so great at self-promotion and you all really help, and I am grateful.
Either click the picture or HERE to go directly to Amazon.