I think I want to be buried in a pair of shorts. Worn, green shorts. God those are comfortable. If you don’t have a pair—get some. Put them on and feel better about your life instantly.
It’s starting to get chilly here in Georgia, and I don’t have a pair of after-work pants. Gray sweatpants look so comfortable. Too bad I look like a toolbox in sweatpants. I don’t own any. Not even one pair at the bottom of the drawer. Things are too revealing in sweatpants. I’m not comfortable with that feature. I need some real-man pants.
Wranglers, maybe? Brett Favre wears them—I saw the commercial. For some reason, the thought of putting on Wranglers also makes me want to wrestle a calf to the ground and tie a rope around its legs, or ride a bull. After I swing by the store and pick up my Wranglers I might as well stop by the local convenient store and get some chewing tobacco for my back pocket. I’ll probably need boots, too. I bet Wranglers don’t look good with tennis shoes.
Parachute pants, maybe? Maybe I could bring those back in style. I recall they have a lot of zippers on them and I could use all those pockets. There is never enough room for my 17 keys, and my gum, and all the random pieces of paper that seem to be in my pocket. But if they don’t immediately come back into style after people see me wearing them I will have people making fun of me and laughing behind my back. I don’t need that.
I got it! Long green pants—just like my shorts, but longer. Cool ones, from a cool store like Abercrombie and Fitch, or American Eagle (if those stores are not cool anymore, substitute some cool ones – I’m way out of touch). But that would mean I would have to go to the mall and I would rather get mouth cancer from chewing tobacco in my Wranglers than go to the mall—I’m not kidding. I am terrified of the mall. You run into people you haven’t seen in 10 years at the mall, and teenagers hang out there. And call me old, but teenagers frighten me.
Quite a crossroads. Which way, which way…
I’ll probably just go to the Thrift Store and see if I can find anything that fits for under 4 dollars. I’m that hip.
Somebody please call the Guinness Book of World Records.
I have three unique talents that need to be investigated, studied, and I believe recorded in their next edition.
1 – I am the world’s best dishwasher packer. Let’s say for argument’s sake that the average person can get 30-35 items into a dishwasher (not including silverware). I can get 60 plus. I look at the dishwasher like a puzzle and I rock it every time.
2 – I can get ready for work in 12 minutes. You heard me right, 12. Yes, I shower and brush my teeth, and I wear clothes to work. I’m even going at half-speed. What the hell do you other people do in the morning? I don’t want to know.
3 – I type with two fingers and I type faster than you. I don’t care who you are. Let’s race. I win.
I finally figured out a way of healthy eating that works for me and I’ve lost 14 pounds in 5 weeks. I am eating Paleo style (yes, like the Paleolithic man). My clothes fit better, I feel good about myself, but I sure do miss my fat cushiony backside.
Yesterday I went to an all day meeting with wood chairs and I wished I had my old fat butt back just for the day. After about two hours, I was in pain. I wonder if it would have been rude to bring one of those stadium cushions people bring to football games so they don’t have to sit on the concrete or metal bleachers. It would have been weird explaining to people that I used to have a meaty rump and just wasn’t used to feeling my bones smashing my flesh into hard surfaces.
Again today, I was sitting on a plastic chair and had to get up and stand when my posterior sent screaming messages of pain to my brain. How do you skinny people sit down! Will I get used to this? Is there an adjustment period?
Or should I just stop by a fast-food restaurant on the way home and ingest 4 or 5 thousand calories for the sake of being able to sit down comfortably. If I do this for a week or two, I should be back to where I started. When people ask why I’ve gained all my weight back I can honestly say I just wanted to sit down.
My parents made me take piano lessons growing up. I think I did it for seven years. Thanks Mom and Dad. I can still play two songs and can sort of read music slowly.
In my first year of college, I bought a $40 Yamaha guitar. A few days before I bought it, I had been downtown Athens, Georgia looking at all the stuff I couldn’t afford in a music store. I did see a sign for guitar lessons. I took the phone number.
The teacher’s name was Bob and he had a thousand million records. Probably more. It was 1991 and we were just getting into CD’s. Records at the time were the bastard cousins of the eight tracks. Bob’s dining room was filled with records. No table. No chairs. Just records. Bob ruled.
Bob introduced me to Jackson Browne. This is the first song he taught me.
My books are finally available on Nook (Barnes and Noble) and Kobo. The books will still be available on Amazon as well. I felt a lot of loyalty to Amazon, and it was a hard decision to break from the contract I had with them. Amazon gave me a great opportunity for exposure and for that I will be forever grateful. I just felt at this point it would be better to offer the books across more than one platform. Thanks Amazon!
Click here for my books on Nook
Click here for my books on Kobo
Click here for my books on Kindle
I am 39 years old going on 84.
This summer on vacation, as a family, we went to Rock City. By Tennessee law, they would not let us leave the state unless we bought something in the gift shop. So, being the law abiding citizen I sometimes am, I bought a birdhouse. I have been patiently waiting for new residents to move in and having no takers, I thought I would up the ante and add some food to the free move-in special. I bought a bird feeder and a small bag of seed.
Fast forward two weeks later. I have now bought two more feeders, constructed a homemade bird bath, and have bought at least $30 more seed. I offer three different varieties of food at my establishment. I love sitting on my front porch and watching them eat! I told you—geezer alert.
Every evening at about 6:35, the birds come in droves. I can’t name any bird types yet other than cardinals, but I do recognize that some of the same birds come every day. They have even started bringing their friends! I was thinking about getting a pair of binoculars yesterday and a bird book. What are my neighbors going to think when they see me sitting on the front porch looking through binoculars?
Oh my God, I’m getting old. On a side note, I did stay home Saturday night and did a puzzle. That’s cool, right? Right?
Last Saturday night I was so excited to settle in for a long writing session on the 70’s camper. I found a secluded spot, plugged in, and blasted the air conditioner (camping is rough). I plugged in my computer, hit the power button, and nothing.
I have been expecting this for a long time, but the timing was not good for me. Luckily, I had a red notebook and three blue pens. It has been a long, long time since I have written a manuscript in pen. I actually wrote my entire first book in pen. I then transferred it to one of those ancient computers with the green letters you might see in an 80’s movie or something of the sort.
It was strange to say the least. For one, if you have ever seen my handwriting—it is awful. It is even hard for me to read. It is as if I created my own font. My cursive is even worse. Whenever my wife needs a good laugh, all she has to do is ask me to write a few words in cursive. She dies laughing as it truly does look like a third grade girl’s handwriting (nothing against third grade girls).
After the first couple of handwritten pages, I started to enjoy the different feel it had, and I even saw the words in a different way. It is hard to explain, but it was a cool experience. It reminded me of the days I started writing the book no one will ever see (except I made my friend Doug read it – sorry Doug) with the yellow legal pad and the blue pen.
I since discovered that my power cord was the problem, and I’ve ordered another one. I just replaced it a year ago. So, I guess my old laptop has a few more days or months in it. As for the cool handwriting experience—I’m going back to typing this weekend—it wasn’t that cool!
The paperback version of Pushed is out. The formatting that goes into the different versions of the book can be a real headache, and I am glad it is all finished. For those of you tired of hearing about it and looking for my random blog ideas—I agree! I am ready to get back to normal and will start blogging again regularly next week.
First of all though—my computer has been dying now for several years and seems to lose an “organ” at a time. It can somehow get on the Internet by itself and loves to play commercials. Just last week the spell check stopped working for no apparent reason, and if you know me, you know I can’t spell very well. I know, I know—it is a cruel joke that God played on me. An author who can’t spell. Very funny.
Before I get back to regular blogging and back to work on the next Benny James mystery (already at 10,000 words), I would like to thank a few people.
My wife. For those of you that don’t know, I have a 70’s model camper and I usually end up there one night a week to work. I don’t know a whole lot of women who would be down with this, and I think my wife is an exceptional woman. Much love.
Josh Merriam. Cover Designer. I accredit a lot of my success to Josh at Merriam Creative. Before Josh started designing my book covers, I bought sodas with my royalty checks. Since Josh, I could buy a soda machine if I wanted one! Josh is a life-long friend and a talented guy.
Mary Metcalfe. My editor. I hope she doesn’t read this since I don’t even have spell check. I found her by chance and I’m glad I did. She praises me, she teaches me, and I look forward to growing with her. Thank you, Mary! Mary is a freelance editor and author herself. I will share her with other authors as long as she promises to shove them aside when I need help! You can find her books here and her editing services here.
Alright. Enough of the mushy love-fest. Back to work. I need to make enough money this month to buy a new computer that has spell check!
The book is finally live on Amazon. You can either click the picture or here. Now that the Kindle edition is out, I will be working on the paperback and will even be branching out to Nook in the near future. A huge thanks to everyone for their patience and support!
Benny James is back! The former FBI agent turned private eye is whisked into action by TV evangelist, Reverend Jim, who heads a mega church in Mississippi and has a major problem. Reverend Jim’s son, Brother Jim, has taken his battle against sin to the extreme. Attractive young women are being “baptized” by being pushed from bridges.
Benny jets to West Palm Beach, Florida, the epicenter of the murders, to join his girlfriend and media powerhouse. As she chases the story, an adversary from her past vies for Benny’s affection. An FBI agent and hot young gun, becomes infatuated with Benny and creates more waves in an already turbulent atmosphere.
The bizarre murders continue as the fatal baptismal rituals increase in frequency. Only one woman survives, but she disappears before she can identify her would-be killer.
With the help of a new cast of eclectic characters, as well as some old favorites, Benny crisscrosses Florida in search of answers, making connections, in an attempt to catch the killer before more young lives are washed away.